Chapter 22: Where We Started
Hermione couldn’t recall a time in which she had last been so blissfully happy. She was nervous as fucking hell, but she was very happy. She was so happy that she didn’t even care when Parvati Patil sat down next to her at the small circular table that had been unofficially labeled as the Golden Trio table (plus friends and dates). The Head Girl sipped butterbeer out of a small glass mug, smiling placidly at anyone to walk by, and half-listened to the Gryffindor girl raving in her ear.
“Oh, shit, should I tell Lavender I feel like I should she should know that Ron is cheating on her but what if she gets mad at me but it isn’t my fault but she won’t blame him she’ll blame me and Merlin she looks so much prettier than I do, stupid skank gets everything, oh but she’s my friend and well I’m sleeping with her boyfriend so I guess I’m no better am I it doesn’t matter should I tell her or not?” Parvati had apparently decided she could trust Hermione enough to tell her about her confusion relating to Ron and Lavender, seeing as Hermione had known about their secret relationship for over a month without saying anything. Hermione, of course, couldn’t care less about what Parvati did, seeing as whatever happened to Ron wouldn’t be unwarranted. Sadistically amused by her friend’s mistake, she took another sip of her butterbeer and resumed watching her other friends out on the dance floor.
The only other Yule Ball that Hogwarts had held during her time at the school had been formal and grand. This was grand in its own right, but was hardly formal. The students on the dance floor were dancing however they so chose, and the fact that Professor McGonagall was no where to be found made it easier for the teenagers to get away with what could only be called grinding. Not everyone was indulging themselves in freak dancing, though there was a tight circle of such dancing going on across the floor. Hermione chose to pretend that she had not seen Ginny and Harry in a very close position hardly doing a waltz.
Luna switched records at the DJ booth, saying in her dreamy voice, “Now we have a request from Neville dedicated to Christine. This is ‘All I Want for Christmas.’ Aw, how cute! I guess Neville fancies her.” In a tamer portion of the dance floor, Neville blushed as his date laughed kindly and kissed him on the cheek before the song started. Hermione smiled and reminded herself to congratulate Christine later on. The sixth year had confided her crush on Neville to Hermione while they had been planning their outfits.
“Hermione are you listening Hermione seriously what do you think should I tell Lavender or not come on I need an answer?” Parvati said frantically, her gold wrist bracelets clanging as she clapped her hands on the table. Hermione shrugged, nonplussed, and nodded her head in tune to the bouncy song playing. “Hermione?” But she would get no answer. Frustrated, the twin stood up and stalked away, off to contemplate her next move in private. Hermione hardly realized she was alone until a sweaty Ginny sat down in Parvati’s empty chair. They were joined soon after by Harry, who sat down next to Ginny.
“So Neville finally fessed up to Christine, eh?” he said, reaching out to retrieve his half-full mug of butterbeer. Hermione shrugged once again, watching the room for any sign of distress. Finding nothing, she turned her attention back to Harry, amazed that the night was going so smoothly.
“I suppose so. Oh I do think they’ll be happy together,” she responded. Ginny nodded her agreement.
“She’s liked him for ages, actually. Maybe since my third year. She was jealous as hell when he asked me to the ball back then.” It wasn’t hard to believe that someone so quiet as Christine had been able to like a boy for four years and not let anyone in on her crush. As Neville’s song ended, Luna called out that a fifth year Hufflepuff named Jade would sing a song next. The threesome watched the petite brunette sing karaoke, reading the lyrics of a wizarding song Hermione didn’t recognize off of a small glass tablet mounted near the floor in front of the stage. The lyrics would appear as the song went on, and magicking the tablet had taken Draco a good three hours. Hermione watched the girl with respect, knowing how afraid the she must be. Nonetheless Jade did well and returned to her friends once her song was over. As the next request was played, Ginny and Harry returned to the dance floor, laughing happily.
Hermione scanned the room for Draco but couldn’t spot him. After opening the ball he had disappeared into the crowd and she hadn’t seen him since. He was most likely making sure things went smoothly over by the banquet table, possibly monitoring the punch to ensure no one attempted to spike it. She hoped he was watching, at least, as a drunken guest wouldn’t look good to the headmaster at all. Not that Dumbledore would notice, as he was currently feasting on a bowl of lemon drops set up on the table just for him.
“Hey,” said a familiar voice as someone slid smoothly into the chair next to her. It was Draco and Hermione jolted, taken by surprise. “Looks like this is a success.”
She bit back a smile as she turned to face him and said, “Well we both worked hard enough.” There was an awkward silence as neither of them could think of what to say now that small talk had been shared. Hermione began to fiddle with her plain silver necklace and turned her eyes back to the small stage, not wanting to stare at him. Draco looked down at his hands on the table. Why am I so scared? he thought. It’s only Hermione, the girl who loves me.
“You wanted to talk to me earlier?” Hermione finally asked, remembering their brief conversation. He started, then nodded, clearing his throat. She waited patiently as he gathered his courage.
“Right, well, um.” Note to self: Kill self for not being eloquent, Draco snarled internally. He started over. “I wanted to say that I’m really glad that we’ve… stayed friends and I wanted to give you-,”
“Next we have Hermione singing a song by Evanescence,” Luna cut in, and Hermione fought the urge to flip off the Ravenclaw.
Draco was about to say something, she whined inside. Five more minutes, please! But she had to go. This was her gift to Draco. She reached out and placed her hand over Draco’s on the table, closing her fingers around his.
“Hold that thought,” she said, looking into his eyes intently. Don’t move. Listen to this song, I beg you. It’s for you.
Draco nodded, exasperated but understanding. He watched as Hermione dashed towards the stage, her skirt flying along behind her. He had to admit that he had forgotten Hermione could sing, and that she had promised to sing a song if he helped her get a DJ for the ball. Knowing whatever was to happen would be entertaining at least, he leaned back onto the back legs of his chair to watch, crossing his arms over his chest. Hermione settled in on stage behind the microphone and watched the tablet in front of her as the beginning notes to ‘My Immortal’ started playing. Draco listened intently, watching her every quiver and nervous finger tap against the side of the mike. As she began to sing, she looked directly at him.
“I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone.”
All Draco knew about Evanescence was that they were a loud Muggle rock group that Hermione liked to blast every once and a while. He knew a few of the angrier songs well, seeing as they were the ones Hermione liked to blast when she was upset or profoundly annoyed. The one she was singing, however, was new to him. He listened to the words, knowing that there had to be a reason why Hermione had picked this slow song to sing, and why she was still staring directly at him when everyone else was slow dancing or watching her in awe.
“These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.”
The words were romantic in a way, but more depressing than anything else. They were about loss and death, perhaps. Breaking up? Draco frowned, wondering what the song was about. On stage, Hermione was trembling, searching Draco’s face for any emotion. None was forthcoming, so she continued on with the second verse, confused.
“You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me.”
Something was very wrong with this song, Draco decided. It wasn’t about him, it was about someone else. Someone dead. Someone Hermione had cared about a lot. His mouth curling into a disgusted sneer as he felt his heart break. She’s singing about Diggory. She loves Diggory. Why is she looking at me? Is this her way of rubbing salt in my wounds? That little bitch.
“These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.”
Draco thrust himself away from his table, feeling like a fool. She had tricked him! She had lured him here, had manipulated him to get this fucking ball set up, and then she had made a fool out of him in front of everyone!
What, was she trying to break your heart again? That’s not Hermione, you know it’s not Hermione, she wouldn’t do that to you, no she wouldn’t, she loves you. She loves you. Oh Merlin please, she has to love you or else everything I know is a lie.
No! She didn’t love him! That’s what this was! He sneered one final time at Hermione before twisting around and striding away towards the Entrance Hall, drawing the curious stares of anyone he passed. On stage, Hermione saw Draco leaving and panicked, dropping the mike onto the stage and leaping off onto the floor. She almost tripped but regained her balance, dashing after him. He was almost at the doors by the time she caught up with him. The music was still playing.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.
“Malfoy!” she yelled out as he threw open the doors. Draco whipped around, fury written all over his face, bitter words already on his tongue. She had the nerve to look genuinely confused! To chase him! He couldn’t process what was going on and all he knew was pain. Hermione halted to a stop a few feet away, feeling her heart in her throat. What was he doing?
“Do you think this is funny? Do you?!” he yelled, eyes flashing. She flinched backwards, scared out of her wits. Out of all the things that could have happened, she hadn’t expected this. Yelling and screaming? Had she missed something?
“What are you talking about?” she asked, feeling hopeless. They were both ignorant to the crowd of students watching them.
“Diggory?! Why would you bring up Diggory?! I thought you were over him, I thought you were finished!” He was out of control now, furious. My god he looks like his father. What had happened? What did Cedric have to do with anything? She just didn’t understand.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me.
“What does this have to do with him?” she screamed, frustrated and scared. Tears were building behind her eyes and this was not what she needed right now. Why couldn’t things just work out? Why couldn’t he just love her? Draco was panting, his hair in his eyes and his face pointed and scared. He was half furious and half afraid, afraid of being robbed of his pride and his dignity all because he let himself love someone. And she, a Muggleborn, a Mudblood, had thrown his love back in his face in public! This was all just a game, a twisted game of revenge for all the years he’d taunted her about her blood. Well he had been right, hadn’t he? Awful little slut with her Hufflepuff boxers and her singing and her fame. Just a little poser, a little liar. And Merlin help her, he would expose her for the fake that she was.
“Everything! Nothing! It doesn’t fucking matter! You’re just a little Mudblood bitch!” Gasps followed Draco’s insult. Hermione took a step backwards, shocked and startled. Her tears started to fall, silently but quickly. Draco himself knew that he had gone too far but he couldn’t stop now. How long had she been messing with him? How far back had her plan started? After the attraction? During? Before?!
The next song on Luna’s record started playing on its own, seeing as Luna herself was watching the two Heads arguing. It was another Evanescence song, ‘Everybody’s Fool,’ and if Hermione had been paying attention, she might have remembered hearing it in a nightmare…
Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
“I’m done with this,” Draco snarled, lowering his voice now that he had the upper hand. He shoved his hand into his back pocket and pulled out something shiny, a single key. Hermione watched it warily, still not knowing what to expect from the Slytherin. “I bought this for you, a Christmas gift,” he sneered sarcastically. “Keep it, I don’t fucking want it.” He threw the key down on the floor, where it lay untouched. Hermione let out a single sob, her eyes pleading with him to stop. It was too late. Draco turned around and left through the open doors. He stalked towards the Slytherin dorms, disappearing into the shadows.
Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
Hermione watched him leave without making a sound. Finally she broke and raised her hands up to her face, crying into her palms. Ginny rushed out of the crowd to her friend’s side but when she tried to help Hermione, the girl shoved her away. “No,” Hermione whined. “No!” She shrugged off Ginny’s arms and ran away. Ginny watched sadly as Hermione sprinted up the stairs in the Entrance Hall, and bent over to pick up the key that Hermione had left behind. It glinted in the light.
Without the mask where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It was the tower again, with snow spiraling around her and the harsh winter cold biting at the skin that the ribbons of her black dress didn’t cover. She looked down at the lawn, jaded and desperate for some outlet. ‘I hate you,’ nipped at her brain, his voice haunting her. ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ She hummed along without realizing it, the words seeming to echo across the silent grounds even though the song was long over. ‘It never was and never will be.’ She wasn’t crying like before, she wasn’t lonely and hopeless. She was simply heartbroken, nothing new. Her satin-clad feet poked out over the railing, scuffing softly on the stone. The night seemed poetic in its simplicity, so unlike the rush of three years previous. She didn’t know whether to be upset or relieved that there would be no daredevil on a broomstick to swoop under and catch her. His cold eyes seemed to glare up at her from the snow. She smiled back.
It would be so easy to just fall, but what problems had that brought her in the past? It had given her Cedric, and then caused her to open up to Draco. What a bad idea that had been. She ran a hand up her arm, knowing this was a terrible idea. This was cowardly, this finally caving in, giving up again. Wasn’t there always something to look forward to? What had happened to that theory?
And yet, the image of him sneering down at her, his face pained, ‘You don’t know how you betrayed me.’ He was being cold for no reason; the boy who she was sure had loved her. She picked up her foot and let it dangle over the edge.
There would be no handsome seventh year to save her now, no mysterious dark-haired boy to scoop her up out of her misery and rescue her from her pain. If she really were to leap, to throw herself out into the air and feel the biting December wind rush against her face, it would be the end. Hermione Granger, Head Girl, suicidal? The papers would love it. And Draco, well, he wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t feel guilty. It would be her fault, after all. It wasn’t as if he was pushing her off the tower. He wasn’t even there.
He thought I was singing about Cedric, she realized. He thought I was mocking him. That was ridiculous; couldn’t he tell that she loved him? That she had gone up there to sing about him? To ask for forgiveness? She had wounded his ego unintentionally. She had embarrassed him in front of half the school. She had embarrassed herself in front of half the school. And now they all knew there had been something between Cedric and her. The rumors would be circulating. If she killed herself, she wouldn’t have to deal with them. The end, the ultimate revenge of leaving Draco all alone to deal with the rumors and the blame. Good-bye.
But what would the point be? Honestly. Pitiful revenge? She would kill herself, end her life, and leave behind her friends, just because of a misunderstanding? Just because something hadn’t worked?
‘I don’t love you anymore.’
Stop it Hermione, it’s just a bloody song.
Was this the second misunderstanding her and Draco had had? Or was it the third? They seemed to have them quite often. Probably because they couldn’t have a simple conversation. Her foot was starting to hurt as it was still dangling over the edge of the wall. She set it back down and crossed her arms over her chest, feeling quite cold. She could just go apologize to him. Explain things.
He called you Mudblood. He should apologize, not you.
But would he apologize?
This was insane. She was standing at the edge of a very high tower, wondering if Draco Malfoy would apologize for calling her a Mudblood. Soon Harry would start singing ‘I’m A Survivor’ for cash on Platform 9 ¾ and Snape would rise from the dead to hand out lemon drops wearing a red and green Christmas sweater. Why even consider Draco apologizing? It was a bloody waste of time. Wasn’t there something she should be doing? Oh yes, contemplating suicide.
Hermione frowned. In all honesty, she didn’t want to die. She wanted to be snuggled up in bed against Draco. Seeing as that wasn’t an option, she would like to be snuggled up in bed with a nice book. Maybe a mug of hot cocoa. That decided, she stepped off the ledge and back onto the floor of the tower.
How anticlimactic, Hermione thought to herself as she walked back to the Head Dorms, looking out for Peeves. I’m exactly where I started.
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